My Justification For Eating A Bowl of Cereal While Sitting On The Toilet Today
Let me begin by saying that I am not an animal. I don’t claim to be the classiest cat in town, but I am not some ignorant miscreant. I read. I enjoy good cinema. I listen to public radio. So don’t judge me by this one isolated incident.
And please take this into consideration before you pass judgement: I did not have to tell you this. This could have been a secret between myself and my Lord. I am writing this as much as a justification to myself as to you. I need to see it presented in front of me, in a public forum, so that I can move on with my life. I am hoping that this will be in some way some way cathartic. We shall see.
I ate a bowl of cereal while taking a dump.
Kellogg’s Honey Smacks to be specific. Two bowls.
Firstly, let me assure you that this is not a common occurrence. In fact, I believe this is the first time in my life I have eaten on the toilet. And I’m not some sickee-fetish-perv who gets his rocks off by eating while crapping. This isn’t something I normally do. I haven’t made a specific point not to, I’ve just never had the desire. Nor did I today, but I was left with little choice. I’ll explain:
I had just poured myself a bowl of morning cereal today at 12:45pm. As I am a hearty fellow, in a normal sitting I usually ingest two to four bowls of cereal, depending on the size of the bowl. Today, I was using a large bowl so that I could save myself the hassle of repeated cereal pourings. I had just added milk when I found myself overcome by the imperatives of my digestive system. I know my body well and this was clearly not something that I could put off until after breakfast. It was go time.
I was now faced with an option: to bring my bowl of cereal into the bathroom with me or not. I instantly did a benefit/detriment-analysis in my head. The only real downside that I could come up with was that it was fundamentally nasty. You shouldn’t eat food while you’re defecating if it can be avoided. It’s unsanitary and unsettling.
And let me be clear, had I been eating a sandwich I would have simply set it down, gone to work, and then returned to the sandwich, relieved and ready to recommence my meal. But this was a bowl of cereal that would surely grow soggy quite quickly if left unattended. And not just any cereal, Honey Smacks, which is notorious for getting rapidly soggy. If it had been a sturdier cereal that could have maintained it’s integrity through a ten minute down period, such as Cocoa Puffs, Trix or Kix, I would have chanced it and gone in alone. But my Smacks would have most certainly been ruined, rendered nothing but shapeless bowl of mush by the time I returned.
“But Mike, it’s just a bowl of cereal. Couldn’t you have just called it a loss?”. Of course I considered this, and the answer is no. And here is why: There was not a great deal of Smacks remaining in the box: perhaps the makings of one or two bowls. As I have previously said, it takes a bare minimum of 2 large bowls of cereal to sate me. So if I had let that one bowl go to mush, I would not just be wasting that bowl, but the remainder of the box as well, as eating it alone in the future would be an unsatisfying exercise in futility.
So I considered all of this carefully, weighed all my options, and took the plunge. Do I regret it? No. It was an unfortunate set of circumstances to be sure, and if I could have avoided it, I definitely would have. But having now run through the scenario countless times in my head, I can honestly say that I would not have done anything differently. I have nothing to apologize for and I don’t have to answer to any of you.
